AlphaHarlot Gives You Wood

I love my smart car. It’s a conversation piece. When I bought Scarlett back in April of last year, the salesman told me, “You can’t be an introvert and own a smart.” At the time, I didn’t get it but after a month of driving around, I totally understood.
Getting gas usually takes me 20 minutes or so, not because it takes that much time to fill up my ten gallon tank but because the gas jockeys always want to discuss the fuel efficiency and know the specs. Sometimes they want to see “under the hood” which really means I have to get out of the car, open my hatch back and take the floor off the trunk space. It’s a bit annoying and the novelty wore off quickly.

There are lots of fun things that I can do in my smart that people in big cars can’t do. I’m able to find a parking space in any metropolitan city with no issue at all. I’m also able to fuck around with those douche canoes who take up two parking spaces with their vehicle. Scarlett sneaks right inside the lines and totally messes up their day when they realize that I fucked their shit up.
It’s more then a bit satisfying, I’m not gonna lie.
She’s also super zippy and can handle like a dream. Traffic and congestion on the New Jersey Turnpike? Not in my car. You give me a foot and I can maneuver my vehicle into the tiniest spots.
Best part is that most people giggle when they see my car where as, if I were a full size car attempting these tactics, there would be a whole lot of road rage pointed in my direction.

Over the summer, I found out the hard way that there are some things that suck about having a tiny car in a big car world.
I can’t take my car through a car wash or to one of those ten minute oil change places because my wheel base is too narrow to fit on the tracks.
This means I have to either hand wash my car myself (boooooooo) or pay out the butt for someone else to do it.
While I understand that a car is a car and that there can’t be any individualized smart car/tiny car pricing…I really can’t justify paying someone $25 to wash what is the surface area equivalent of a car hood.
I guess I’m cheap? I just consider myself thrifty though.

It snowed in Jersey on Friday night. I had to drive from the Meadowlands (think Giant Stadium) down to Newark (think Prudential Center) so I jumped on the turnpike and took off.
Driving was treacherous, not because of the snow but because the fucking salt spreaders were jizz bombing my car with their white crap. It was caked onto my windshield. When I got to my friend’s house, I asked him to bring me down a bottle of windex and some paper towels so I could clean my shit. There’s no way that I would have been able to drive home otherwise.
The next day, I go out to my car during the day to pick up some munchies for the pajama party that I was having and saw the extent of the yuck on my poor Scarlett.
Jizz bomb isn’t even the right word.
This was straight up bukkake all over car.
Fucked up shit, man.
I went back into my house, grabbed a few wet paper towels and cleaned off as much of the crusty cum stains as I could. I can’t exactly give my car a wash because the temperature is below freezing at this point and I also don’t have access to a hose in my apartment complex.
I’ve just got to figure out a way to clean my car for real because I’m not driving around like this.

Suggestions from people in freezing climates and people with little cars appreciated.